Friday, September 24, 2010
Hi,
Please read part one first if you have not. It spoilts the fun if you have not :D
*added. might cause loss of appetite. viewer discretion is advised*
Continued...
Our curious scientists from NASA decided to have a look at the horrible mess behind the bush. Horrible yes. Foul smelling too (which leads us back to the study on Jurassic nutrition). That was the earliest reported sighting of a Cloacatious species, which scientists classify as Cloacatious duginthefloorus. However the NASA scientists ran out of electricity for their little trip while showing Ug the wonders of the 21st century, and has been stranded in the Jurassic Age. Many reckon they're having a great time barbecuing with Ug and partae-ing every night.
Mode of nutrition
Toilets have evolved from eating homo sapiens to eating their waste. It is after all, easier to digest food that has already been digested. And since toilets don't have a particularly picky tongue (oh come on, at most they have a toiletseatus), they decided to make do with it. Talk about adaptation.
Most toilets have an underground limb that stretches for as far as 100 metres. Once the limb has reached a strategic spot it erects a signpost like object from under the ground. The signposts usually have mysterious markings on it that are eerily similar to British English words, for example "restroom, latrine" and some even more remarkably have "toilet" printed on it. As if by clockwork humans tend to fall prey to the first prey-snaring mechanism of the toilet.
The human then arrives at the exomouthris of the toilet. He/she cannot resist the urge to go in for some reason or another. Historians and plumbers often argue over the statement "the beauty of toilet". The human goes in anyway, and the exomouthris closes. This is to prevent the prey from escaping until it has fulfilled it's purpose of coming to the toilet, as well as to prevent other unearthly gases from polluting the atmosphere (and let the human suffocate in his own gas until he/she has finished the job).
Occasionally, the average human for no apparent reason loses the urge to relieve himself/herself after the exomouthris closes. More often than not, the human is stuck inside the exomouthris trying desperately to get out. This problem is commonly classified as "toilet door failure". Usually the human has a device to allow him/her to call for third party intervention, otherwise called the plumber. The plumber is a specially trained personnel whose most outstanding ability is to communicate and maintain the health of the toilet.
The plumber however, more often than not, cannot solve this problem as the toilet cannot override the code implanted in its brain (technically it stores its genetic information in the endomouthris) to allow exceptions like this to go free. See "toilet obstinateness" for more information. The human however, has two choices. Using the same old device he/she can always get a locksmith instead to pry open the exomouthris. Many experts discourage this method as it may harm the toilet which is a sacred animal to a radical group of plumbers who will not hesitate to blow up a department store if they can't find a toilet plunger going cheap. Hence the human has only the latter option, which is to feed the toilet.
Controversies
Since sit toilet came about, people all over the world have been arguing about whether to classify toilets as a living thing. The RPG (radical plumber group) has always referred to the toilet as a sacred animal and cleans his/her toilet twice a day and worships it by reading the newspaper to it while relieving him/herself. Animal rights activists have of course always been against the cruel treatment of toilets by humans. Ah Lim, a toilet rights activist said "Eh, I don't see why that auntie must charge me 10 cent to use the toilet leh! It is my right to use the toilet!" Many people are against the use of toilets for self profit.
The "aim properly" campaign in male toilets has also been reported not to refer to the passing of liquid waste but rather the solid waste. Studies have shown that more often than not solid waste tends to land outside of the endomouthris while the liquid waste surprisingly lands inside the endomouthris (> 50%). Not only does this leave unsightly stains in the toilet, the foul smell cannot be fully contained by the exomouthris and drives off potential prey, starving the toilet as a result.
To combat this problem, TAUPOK (Toilet Association Uniting Public Organisations, K is for the fun of it) has started setting up stalls outside toilets selling merchandise ranging from "I love toilets" T-shirts to toilet paper to spectacles. Scientists, working alongside plumbers have also successfully created a breed of genetically modified toilets with a larger endomouthris.
(Bio) Terrorism
The idea of RPG (Radical Potty Group. Oops, I meant Radical Plumber Group) was hatched when a John Keller who was relieving himself (constipating actually) suddenly hit a brainwave. (Studies show that frequent constipation is a sign that one is an evil genius) His famous motto:"Never again will I have to suffer constipation" while he was advertising a laxative bears testament to his evil genius mind.
John Keller started as a plumber's apprentice, before upgrading himself by buying a black toilet plunger. The colour of toilet plungers often represent the plumber's skill level. Keller however, was the only exception as the supermarket has a sale that day.
Keller then made a name for himself when he broke a toilet by accident when he was on a job to unclog the toilet. Apparently the owner had some debris stuck in the ubendus of the toilet. Keller using his intellect threw some plastic explosives down and there went the kitchen.
Keller became a fugitive after the incident, joining hands with other radical plumbers from all over the world and started planting explosives in many toilets around the world. They were responsible for various sudden showers in fastfood restaurants and hotels. One should steer clear of a destroyed toilet for fear that something unhealthy would land on thy face. Recently they have begun to use liquid bombs, hence prompting the UN to declare "no toilet is safe". Prices of toilets have skyrocketed since, and has contributed to the devastation of the economic downturn, which many companies used as a pretext to fire their plumbers (who then join the RPG. The irony).
John Keller married in 2005 to a ceramic toilet in a wedding attended by 200 renowned plumbers. The pastor (who happens to work part-time as a plumber) declared "you may now flush the bride", after which the couple paraded through the streets on a plumber's van. This procession is often remembered as World Toilet Festival, or WTF.
To be continued
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