░“Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.”
It's time. Grab the guns and the toilet seat.
Sunday, September 19, 2010

Hello

I know everyone is busy, (particularly me, wait no I just finished me Science Buskers, now I have another two to go xD) but that does not mean you can stone on this page and not type a single letter. Therefore, we need some fancy advertisements and bright colours on this page to attract more viewership to increase the total net traffic on this page so as to slow down your internet connection because there are people trying to read some nonsense here.

I feel inspired by uncyclopedia. It is really content free. Note that the following may not obey the laws of physics.

And so one random day a man drops from the sky. Yes he had a parachute. And yes it was not working. Someone replaced the parachute with The Sunday Times thinking he would be better off with some reading material instead. And because he was travelling at a speed faster than the speed of sound, there was already a crater in the ground before we hear some screams of "Ahhhh" echoing in the distance.

But if we assume that he had reached terminal velocity, he would have been travelling at a constant speed after some time, which is a speed in which is slower than the speed of sound which means that sound travels faster than him, which is perfectly reasonable, but because we're trying to think nonsensically here, let's assume that he had a toilet seat in his hand.

Assuming the man was falling vertically, his surface area against air resistance would be theoretically the cross sectional area of his head (of course unless he had a beer belly, which would cause him to tip slightly and change his course. We will discuss this later). Let's assume that he would be able to reach his terminal velocity at a speed close to the speed of sound in this falling manner, he would have approximately 20 seconds to scream "I hate you you moronic co-pilot!" back at the plane before he crashed (into what?).

Now let's assume that he managed to rip the toilet seat out of the plane's toilet... Never mind. Let's think of it this way. The plane was a world war 2 veteran. Shot out of the sky twice, never repaired. So essentially there was a gaping hole in the toilet compartment (no that does not mean what passes through the toilet bowl ends up being flushed out into the sky, we don't want to have other pilots hit by killer litter)(Does that mean that the toilet compartment is an essential part of every aircraft design as it helps to balance the weight of the plane and should there be a need to tilt the plane upwards you can always get you passengers to use the toilet at the back). And somehow or another, the toilet fell out with him (both literally and metaphorically) cos I dunno, he jumped from the hole in the toilet compartment? (how handy)

So now you have two problems. One, the toilet is falling. Two, the plane now has no toilet. (The man is not a major concern here, he never paid, maybe that explains the plane) The consequences of a toilet falling are:
  1. The world just lost another toilet. How sad.
  2. The plane would not tilt upwards.
  3. The pilot has no where to relieve himself (well there's a gaping hole there anyway)
  4. Who is going to clean up the mess below??
Now remember the toilet seat? The toilet has more more surface area than the idiot and hence falls slower. Let's assume the man has the common sense to flap like a chicken and manages to "climb" his way onto the toilet (note that both are currently falling through the air). So now he has two choices. One, sit on the toilet and read the Sunday Times (how familiar). Two, he decides that the toilet is an escape hatch and dives into the funnel (well the central depression) thinking he can get out alive. And yes his head can't fit through (I don't even think he managed to turn around without flying off).

So he decides on the former option. How wise. His Sunday Times flutters off into the air (will it reach the ground before Monday? xD) Now what? Using his incredible IQ and his resourcefulness he decides to rip the toilet seat off and use it has a float (ya know the tube/ring in swimming pools?). And he fits it around his waste, oops, I mean waist. (honestly this was a genuine mistake, but I'm just leaving it there.) (remember this is not the one with the pot belly) So now he is spinning around like a protist (yes a protist. There was this protist which spun around. Oh dear I forgot)

And now if we bend another physics law we say he has now achieved gyroscopic stability and the centrifugal force propels him upwards ("haha toilet! That's the last time I'll use you ever again!") Of course there is gravity pulling him down. How sad. Let's move Jupiter a little closer. Ah he now goes up, perfect. Oh dear the toilet is accelerating upwards faster than him. We now vanish the toilet and focus on the man. The vaporised toilet will reappear in your house approximately 3 seconds later. Go check your toilet now, it should be there.

OK I shall stop here and go look for that spinning protist. Write more people :D

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