Friday, September 24, 2010
Hi,
Please read part one first if you have not. It spoilts the fun if you have not :D
*added. might cause loss of appetite. viewer discretion is advised*
Continued...
Our curious scientists from NASA decided to have a look at the horrible mess behind the bush. Horrible yes. Foul smelling too (which leads us back to the study on Jurassic nutrition). That was the earliest reported sighting of a Cloacatious species, which scientists classify as Cloacatious duginthefloorus. However the NASA scientists ran out of electricity for their little trip while showing Ug the wonders of the 21st century, and has been stranded in the Jurassic Age. Many reckon they're having a great time barbecuing with Ug and partae-ing every night.
Mode of nutrition
Toilets have evolved from eating homo sapiens to eating their waste. It is after all, easier to digest food that has already been digested. And since toilets don't have a particularly picky tongue (oh come on, at most they have a toiletseatus), they decided to make do with it. Talk about adaptation.
Most toilets have an underground limb that stretches for as far as 100 metres. Once the limb has reached a strategic spot it erects a signpost like object from under the ground. The signposts usually have mysterious markings on it that are eerily similar to British English words, for example "restroom, latrine" and some even more remarkably have "toilet" printed on it. As if by clockwork humans tend to fall prey to the first prey-snaring mechanism of the toilet.
The human then arrives at the exomouthris of the toilet. He/she cannot resist the urge to go in for some reason or another. Historians and plumbers often argue over the statement "the beauty of toilet". The human goes in anyway, and the exomouthris closes. This is to prevent the prey from escaping until it has fulfilled it's purpose of coming to the toilet, as well as to prevent other unearthly gases from polluting the atmosphere (and let the human suffocate in his own gas until he/she has finished the job).
Occasionally, the average human for no apparent reason loses the urge to relieve himself/herself after the exomouthris closes. More often than not, the human is stuck inside the exomouthris trying desperately to get out. This problem is commonly classified as "toilet door failure". Usually the human has a device to allow him/her to call for third party intervention, otherwise called the plumber. The plumber is a specially trained personnel whose most outstanding ability is to communicate and maintain the health of the toilet.
The plumber however, more often than not, cannot solve this problem as the toilet cannot override the code implanted in its brain (technically it stores its genetic information in the endomouthris) to allow exceptions like this to go free. See "toilet obstinateness" for more information. The human however, has two choices. Using the same old device he/she can always get a locksmith instead to pry open the exomouthris. Many experts discourage this method as it may harm the toilet which is a sacred animal to a radical group of plumbers who will not hesitate to blow up a department store if they can't find a toilet plunger going cheap. Hence the human has only the latter option, which is to feed the toilet.
Controversies
Since sit toilet came about, people all over the world have been arguing about whether to classify toilets as a living thing. The RPG (radical plumber group) has always referred to the toilet as a sacred animal and cleans his/her toilet twice a day and worships it by reading the newspaper to it while relieving him/herself. Animal rights activists have of course always been against the cruel treatment of toilets by humans. Ah Lim, a toilet rights activist said "Eh, I don't see why that auntie must charge me 10 cent to use the toilet leh! It is my right to use the toilet!" Many people are against the use of toilets for self profit.
The "aim properly" campaign in male toilets has also been reported not to refer to the passing of liquid waste but rather the solid waste. Studies have shown that more often than not solid waste tends to land outside of the endomouthris while the liquid waste surprisingly lands inside the endomouthris (> 50%). Not only does this leave unsightly stains in the toilet, the foul smell cannot be fully contained by the exomouthris and drives off potential prey, starving the toilet as a result.
To combat this problem, TAUPOK (Toilet Association Uniting Public Organisations, K is for the fun of it) has started setting up stalls outside toilets selling merchandise ranging from "I love toilets" T-shirts to toilet paper to spectacles. Scientists, working alongside plumbers have also successfully created a breed of genetically modified toilets with a larger endomouthris.
(Bio) Terrorism
The idea of RPG (Radical Potty Group. Oops, I meant Radical Plumber Group) was hatched when a John Keller who was relieving himself (constipating actually) suddenly hit a brainwave. (Studies show that frequent constipation is a sign that one is an evil genius) His famous motto:"Never again will I have to suffer constipation" while he was advertising a laxative bears testament to his evil genius mind.
John Keller started as a plumber's apprentice, before upgrading himself by buying a black toilet plunger. The colour of toilet plungers often represent the plumber's skill level. Keller however, was the only exception as the supermarket has a sale that day.
Keller then made a name for himself when he broke a toilet by accident when he was on a job to unclog the toilet. Apparently the owner had some debris stuck in the ubendus of the toilet. Keller using his intellect threw some plastic explosives down and there went the kitchen.
Keller became a fugitive after the incident, joining hands with other radical plumbers from all over the world and started planting explosives in many toilets around the world. They were responsible for various sudden showers in fastfood restaurants and hotels. One should steer clear of a destroyed toilet for fear that something unhealthy would land on thy face. Recently they have begun to use liquid bombs, hence prompting the UN to declare "no toilet is safe". Prices of toilets have skyrocketed since, and has contributed to the devastation of the economic downturn, which many companies used as a pretext to fire their plumbers (who then join the RPG. The irony).
John Keller married in 2005 to a ceramic toilet in a wedding attended by 200 renowned plumbers. The pastor (who happens to work part-time as a plumber) declared "you may now flush the bride", after which the couple paraded through the streets on a plumber's van. This procession is often remembered as World Toilet Festival, or WTF.
To be continued
Labels: jollyfrog's posts
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Hi,
The term toilet refers to a variety of organisms from the genus Cloacatious which are well known for having a highly complex digestive system. In fact it is so complicated that there is no need for any form of chemical breakdown of food. The more common species of Cloacatious include Cloacatious latrinous, Cloacatious toiletrious, Cloacatious wheredidmytoiletpapergonous as well as Cloacatious theflushisntworkingis. Toilets are widespread throughout the world, although many species have been domesticated. Archaeologists have reported uncovering a toilet fossil from the Roman era.
Classification
Toilets are mainly divided into two categories which have many subcategories. Over the past decades the classification of toilets has been a hot topic of debate amongst scientists, taxonomists and plumbers alike. However most people agree that toilets can be divided into two main categories, the Complexa family and the and the Anticomplexa family. The main distinguishing feature between these two families is the Complexa has more than two endomouthris while Anticomplexa has only one.
Anatomy
The brief anatomy of the a Cloacatious theflushisntworkingis.
- exomouthris - refers to the toilet door. Most have one.
- endomouthris - refers to the mechanism of waste disposal.
- sinkis - the salivary glands of the toilet, although studies have shown that it is as important as the appendix.
- papyrus - borrowed from British English, literally meaning paper. Papyrus is a waste product given out by the mouth of the toilet to attract prey. It appears that toilets have more papyrus in the mornings. No one knows why, but plumbers think it is because the cleaners (mundus toiletrious) only appear in mornings.
The endomouthris is the most complex part of the entire toilet. Studies have shown that the more complex the endomouthris is, the more likely the chance that the toilet would be caught, shipped to a city and installed in a compartment of a hotel where there is no need to hunt for prey because there is a continuous supply of them offering their shiny bottoms to the lucky organisms. The endomouthris in fact, has a few more parts to it:
- Toiletcapus - To ensure that what goes in does not come out should its inner salivary glands overreact.
- Toiletseatus - To hold the prey there longer. Homo sapiens are known to fall prey to the allure of toiletseati (plural).
- Thyflushbuttonus - Homo sapiens have been eaten for so long by the toilets (artifacts show as early as the stone age, where the less advanced Homos tend to slip into Cloacatious duginthefloorus while relieving themselves.) that they now form a symbiotic relationship with the toilets. This will be further explained later.
- Holus - Not to be confused with bolus which is sometimes used to refer to the source of nutrition of toilet species. Many biology teachers however use this to facilitate teaching in anatomy classes. Holus refers to the inner compartment of the main endomouthris. Veterinarians, I mean plumbers, often inspect this part of toilets to check its health. If the water level is too high it could mean that the salivary glands are overreacting. If it is too low it is dehydrated, a problem that is easily solved with the next visit of a Homo sapien. In the US, the WWF and the APS (American plumbing society) reported 6,000,000 cases of salivary gland malfunction in toilets in 2009, a disease that is currently classified as W.C.
- Ubendus - pronounced oo-ben-dus. It is the equivalent of the human intestines, shortened into a ceramic pipe.
History
Toilets have been around before humans (monkeys) roamed the Earth. They are elusive creatures, all hiding and living underground. In fact to this very day we can still find perhaps a Cloacatious duginthefloorus by digging anywhere in the ground. However it is illegal in most countries to do so, for fear that it may harm the creature.
Toilets also exist in all kinds of forests around the world. They form a symbiotic relationship with many plant and sometimes fungi species by providing them with food and nutrients. Recently toilets have formed another symbiotic relationship with the more advanced primates.
Perhaps the first man to discover the existence of toilets was Ug. Ug was an ordinary caveman from Jurassic Period. A NASA funded time-travel expedition to the period has allowed us to better understand toilets. "Ug ug ug ug ug ug" (my name is Ug) he said, waving that shiny club of his around. "Argh ug ug ug ug uga" (I need to find a toilet), he continued. NASA scientists were puzzled. He referred to "toilet" as a creature while the people of the 21st century call it a commodity. Ug then scampered off behind the bushes and groaning sounds could be heard. This has led to a new study on Jurassic nutrition. After that Ug appeared again hiding a stained leaf behind his back (Cloacatious species have not evolved the papyrus yet)...
To be continued
Labels: jollyfrog's posts
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Hello
I know everyone is busy, (particularly me, wait no I just finished me Science Buskers, now I have another two to go xD) but that does not mean you can stone on this page and not type a single letter. Therefore, we need some fancy advertisements and bright colours on this page to attract more viewership to increase the total net traffic on this page so as to slow down your internet connection because there are people trying to read some nonsense here.
I feel inspired by uncyclopedia. It is really content free. Note that the following may not obey the laws of physics.
And so one random day a man drops from the sky. Yes he had a parachute. And yes it was not working. Someone replaced the parachute with The Sunday Times thinking he would be better off with some reading material instead. And because he was travelling at a speed faster than the speed of sound, there was already a crater in the ground before we hear some screams of "Ahhhh" echoing in the distance.
But if we assume that he had reached terminal velocity, he would have been travelling at a constant speed after some time, which is a speed in which is slower than the speed of sound which means that sound travels faster than him, which is perfectly reasonable, but because we're trying to think nonsensically here, let's assume that he had a toilet seat in his hand.
Assuming the man was falling vertically, his surface area against air resistance would be theoretically the cross sectional area of his head (of course unless he had a beer belly, which would cause him to tip slightly and change his course. We will discuss this later). Let's assume that he would be able to reach his terminal velocity at a speed close to the speed of sound in this falling manner, he would have approximately 20 seconds to scream "I hate you you moronic co-pilot!" back at the plane before he crashed (into what?).
Now let's assume that he managed to rip the toilet seat out of the plane's toilet... Never mind. Let's think of it this way. The plane was a world war 2 veteran. Shot out of the sky twice, never repaired. So essentially there was a gaping hole in the toilet compartment (no that does not mean what passes through the toilet bowl ends up being flushed out into the sky, we don't want to have other pilots hit by killer litter)(Does that mean that the toilet compartment is an essential part of every aircraft design as it helps to balance the weight of the plane and should there be a need to tilt the plane upwards you can always get you passengers to use the toilet at the back). And somehow or another, the toilet fell out with him (both literally and metaphorically) cos I dunno, he jumped from the hole in the toilet compartment? (how handy)
So now you have two problems. One, the toilet is falling. Two, the plane now has no toilet. (The man is not a major concern here, he never paid, maybe that explains the plane) The consequences of a toilet falling are:
- The world just lost another toilet. How sad.
- The plane would not tilt upwards.
- The pilot has no where to relieve himself (well there's a gaping hole there anyway)
- Who is going to clean up the mess below??
Now remember the toilet seat? The toilet has more more surface area than the idiot and hence falls slower. Let's assume the man has the common sense to flap like a chicken and manages to "climb" his way onto the toilet (note that both are currently falling through the air). So now he has two choices. One, sit on the toilet and read the Sunday Times (how familiar). Two, he decides that the toilet is an escape hatch and dives into the funnel (well the central depression) thinking he can get out alive. And yes his head can't fit through (I don't even think he managed to turn around without flying off).
So he decides on the former option. How wise. His Sunday Times flutters off into the air (will it reach the ground before Monday? xD) Now what? Using his incredible IQ and his resourcefulness he decides to rip the toilet seat off and use it has a float (ya know the tube/ring in swimming pools?). And he fits it around his waste, oops, I mean waist. (honestly this was a genuine mistake, but I'm just leaving it there.) (remember this is not the one with the pot belly) So now he is spinning around like a protist (yes a protist. There was this protist which spun around. Oh dear I forgot)
And now if we bend another physics law we say he has now achieved gyroscopic stability and the centrifugal force propels him upwards ("haha toilet! That's the last time I'll use you ever again!") Of course there is gravity pulling him down. How sad. Let's move Jupiter a little closer. Ah he now goes up, perfect. Oh dear the toilet is accelerating upwards faster than him. We now vanish the toilet and focus on the man. The vaporised toilet will reappear in your house approximately 3 seconds later. Go check your toilet now, it should be there.
OK I shall stop here and go look for that spinning protist. Write more people :D
Labels: jollyfrog's posts
