A woman is like a tea bag - you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head.

Buy land. They've stopped making it.

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Consider the postage stamp, my son. It secures success through its ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

Everyone told me to pass on Speed because it was a 'bus movie.

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called "here".

Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.

He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.

He who laughs, lasts.

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.

If you rest, you rust.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

It's better to live one day as a lion, than a hundred as a sheep.

I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.

My life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened.

My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never make the same mistake twice or you'll never get around to all of them.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.

The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time.

The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.

The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

The main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing.

The nicest thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator which is often socially impressive.

The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.

Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

We don't stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

When everyone thinks alike, no one thinks very much.

When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So, what the hell, leap!

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

Whether women are better than men I cannot say—but I can say they are certainly no worse.

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?

Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something.

Woman are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.