Monday, May 17, 2010
To... you...
From... Someone...
This reply isn't too late, is it?
Firstly, as much as you apologize to me, I have to apologize to you even more for causing all these turmoil. After all, I was the root cause to this strained relationship. You are not the only one with split personality. I believe my condition is worse than yours.
Just that...
No one realizes.
I am going berserk, with thoughts constantly surfacing and colliding against my skull; pressure seemingly building up; my head on the verge of bursting. This mixture of feelings, as though all kinds of ammunition fired from guns hidden in my brain, seek an escape route, but I suppress them, lest they succeed and swarm aimlessly towards their target - you. My personal, concealed, unknown emotional pain to the outside world will hurt me less as compared to the fatal wounds you may sustain. Definitely.
To me, this is more than confusion. This is an utter terror, which I never wish, hope, or want, to befall on me - again. As I mentioned, they are so similar, I had to say that I got a rather rude shock. The little, ticking bomb that determines the fate of an alter ego and me, can explode at the slightest agitation, and shatter the brittle trust, along with the relationship, into smithereens. You get what I mean.
I have to clarify some mistakes though. Your deduction of your appearance and my unhappiness is totally wrong. I am more than willing to have you around, but recently you seem to be more attached to the ones you never really could communicate well with, instead of me, the only one you claimed you could blabber freely to. Is it your avoidance, or my subconscious that is pulling us apart? The further away you get, the more anguished I feel, and the more emotional I become. Also, the topics that I used to go on endlessly about for hours suddenly seems restrained, as I try with all my might (sorry for the following) not to mention you-know-who. I can understand you, being the 'victim' of this whole episode of horror drama. I can also understand how others feel about this. I ought to feel sorry. Don't manipulate me to think otherwise. However, no one till now has analysed the situation with more depth, which I doubt anyone other than me can. You need the personal exposure(?), I guess. Perhaps, one day, you will be able to comprehend what the above means.
I guess my EQ isn't high too. I never understood your feelings when I shooed you away with annoyance. I admit I had did that all in the name of fun, just like you did to me. I really want you to rant on how I should not chide you over things which I find fault in you, when they are exactly the same things I have done to you. That should provide me with some comfort. The feeling which I have lost into space, when I set off the bomb with my very own hands.
Am I fit to proclaim that I miss all the times we had alone, like best buddies?
Am I fit to rebut that you once claimed I was important, and now I don't seem to be near that position anymore?
Am I fit to be joyous, for I regret making certain decisions, which are the pinnacle of this intangible relationship?
Am I fit to be afraid of losing an irreplaceable confidant like you?
Should we allow time to resolve the issue, and let nature take its course, or should we settle this once and for all?
Will time be an antidote for this slow-killing poison, or will it aggravate the injuries, buried beneath our exterior?
