But I'm just having fun with "ppl I'm not so close to".
Getting to know them better.
Just like you did yesterday; I... was touched, i guess
Take the initiative. It works.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Hmm. If you can't understand the metaphors then never mind. You get the gist.
And how am I supposed to go closer when you seemingly give me the cold shoulder? Somehow you have to do your part too. (my opinion)
Somehow, you don't seem as concerned as I am, which is too making me confused. Also, I told you I have split personality disorder.
I am trying. I really am.
Hmmm...
I cannot respond directly because i have no idea what you are talking about. really. leave the cheem words to me; i can't understand the metaphors you use, nor the "they". I seriously have no idea what you are talking about. be more direct, pls.
seriously? i just find that your conversation with me is strained, and you just confirmed that.
i guess trying to avoid "you-know-who" would prove a problem considering that person is practically the centre of your universe.
but guess what? i dun care.
There are other topics and as long as you dun sound strained when talking to me, i dun mind
yes, i do agree that you have been seeming rather hypocritical of late. you and Someone Else.
But hey. I didnt want to say anything for fear of losing you, for fear of instigating another heated arguement.
im for peace, alright?
i
have been distancing myself from you, I'vc noticed.
But its all because i can't bring myself to get closer
When i watch from afar, i ache for you. yes, i do.
Yet, when I'm right beside you, i have nothing to do, nothing to say. Just nothing.
It could be a mental barrier I've set up.
I do not know what constitutes this barrier, just that it does weaken
It weakens whenever I have long, comfortable conversations with you
Or when I... have physical contact with you
Maybe because when you touch me, its a reassurance
Its a signal of closeness; or maybe i just need it.
You have to take the initiative; because you make me feel like a molester.
I probably sound like some pervert now, so I'll stop.
Just know that the distance-- its not your fault.
You are important, yes
But I Cant.
Can't bring myself to go back to normal
Can't seem to find a way around the "mental barrier"
I'm sorry.
But you know what? YOU come closer.
Monday, May 17, 2010
To... you...
From... Someone...
This reply isn't too late, is it?
Firstly, as much as you apologize to me, I have to apologize to you even more for causing all these turmoil. After all, I was the root cause to this strained relationship. You are not the only one with split personality. I believe my condition is worse than yours.
Just that...
No one realizes.
I am going berserk, with thoughts constantly surfacing and colliding against my skull; pressure seemingly building up; my head on the verge of bursting. This mixture of feelings, as though all kinds of ammunition fired from guns hidden in my brain, seek an escape route, but I suppress them, lest they succeed and swarm aimlessly towards their target - you. My personal, concealed, unknown emotional pain to the outside world will hurt me less as compared to the fatal wounds you may sustain. Definitely.
To me, this is more than confusion. This is an utter terror, which I never wish, hope, or want, to befall on me - again. As I mentioned, they are so similar, I had to say that I got a rather rude shock. The little, ticking bomb that determines the fate of an alter ego and me, can explode at the slightest agitation, and shatter the brittle trust, along with the relationship, into smithereens. You get what I mean.
I have to clarify some mistakes though. Your deduction of your appearance and my unhappiness is totally wrong. I am more than willing to have you around, but recently you seem to be more attached to the ones you never really could communicate well with, instead of me, the only one you claimed you could blabber freely to. Is it your avoidance, or my subconscious that is pulling us apart? The further away you get, the more anguished I feel, and the more emotional I become. Also, the topics that I used to go on endlessly about for hours suddenly seems restrained, as I try with all my might (sorry for the following) not to mention you-know-who. I can understand you, being the 'victim' of this whole episode of horror drama. I can also understand how others feel about this. I ought to feel sorry. Don't manipulate me to think otherwise. However, no one till now has analysed the situation with more depth, which I doubt anyone other than me can. You need the personal exposure(?), I guess. Perhaps, one day, you will be able to comprehend what the above means.
I guess my EQ isn't high too. I never understood your feelings when I shooed you away with annoyance. I admit I had did that all in the name of fun, just like you did to me. I really want you to rant on how I should not chide you over things which I find fault in you, when they are exactly the same things I have done to you. That should provide me with some comfort. The feeling which I have lost into space, when I set off the bomb with my very own hands.
Am I fit to proclaim that I miss all the times we had alone, like best buddies?
Am I fit to rebut that you once claimed I was important, and now I don't seem to be near that position anymore?
Am I fit to be joyous, for I regret making certain decisions, which are the pinnacle of this intangible relationship?
Am I fit to be afraid of losing an irreplaceable confidant like you?
Should we allow time to resolve the issue, and let nature take its course, or should we settle this once and for all?
Will time be an antidote for this slow-killing poison, or will it aggravate the injuries, buried beneath our exterior?
Thursday, May 13, 2010
It has been saved in My Pictures for god-knows-how-long.
Today I lost the game.
Know why?
Things-we-forget.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight,
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other,
One was blind and the other couldn't see,
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
A paralysed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys,
If you don't believe this story’s true,
Ask the blind man; he saw it too!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Right. Clarifications to be made:
Previous post... was true for a period of time, and well, I've realised something.
Certain... circumstances tend to make me... unusually weird.
I'm pretty sure I know what the circumstances are...
But I can't expect you to change or avoid the circumstances; it's a rather tall order
Just know that I won't always be silent and weird and arguementive(sp?)
And... hate isn't involved in the equation.
Last 2 angry posts... might offer insight, I guess, but they say nothing about my overall feelings. Really.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
The third post in the thrilling saga of raving madman going on and on about random unknown stuff:
I do have reasons, you know.
My lack of communication, because I always feel unwelcome. You tell me to move away, and i refuse. you question my refusal; sometimes, you can be as ignorant as i am relating to what others feel. would you have known that your asking made me feel as if you really wanted to get rid of me and i was being an annoyance? Who can blame me for staying away then? and I always feel as if I'm bursting a happy bubble when i butt into your conversation with Someone Else. Intentionally or not, i feel unwelcome, and unlike with Someone Else, when your conversation flows freely, I find myself struggling to keep up a stream of questions just to maintain a "conversation" with you. I'm tired of the conscious effort required to think and find more things to continue the conversation with. It wasn't always like that.
It could be your fixed mindset that in a conversation with me, you're just the listener, and i will provide all the chatter. Can i change that? Can i say that i would rather you talked and i listened? Because the only times you talk and i listen are when you're lecturing me on how to behave better. That HAS to be abnormal. What is it that makes me the attention seeker who just needs attention, and Someone Else the confidant? (someone to confide in, unsure of the exact word to be used)
Or perhaps it is the "mental barrier" I set up. I myself have no idea what constitutes this barrier, but it is what's preventing me from being happy with you. So i apologise. Once again, based on Someone Else's mindset, Its My Fault. Because I'm the bad guy, you're the good guy; and it will never change.
Monday, May 3, 2010
I knew i had it coming. I had been pushing the limits, relentless, as if caught in an enchantment. But when my fragile reality shattered into a million pieces; my carefully constructed buildings and structures collapsed into shambles, I wasn't prepared.
I was trapped, lost in a pile of rubble; sifting through the rocks and chunks of concrete; searching endlessly for the one key piece that would unlock the answers and perhaps pave my path to recovery. But in my frenzied search I upset precarious heaps of rubble, and the moving gravel morphed into a landslide, a mad tumble downhill in which i lost myself. Alice had Wonderland waiting at the end of her fall, but i? I didn't know. Still dont.
There were pieces all around me, but not a single one fitted the gaping hole I'd been trying to cover up, not a single one could patch up or aid in the reconstruction of my seamless buildings of the past. Of the past. Of a reality that no longer belonged to me.
Sometimes, I would manage to grab a handhold, an anchor that seemed to be the foundation of my recovery, but the treacherous rocks always came away at my grasp.
I couldn't hold on; my collapsed buildings were being reduced to fine dust that scattered to the four winds. And I was falling, falling into the uncertain future.
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Despite my apologies, my open confessions, I know I will not be any less harsh on you, nor will I argue less. It could be out of habit, perhaps I'm subconsiously defending the honour I never had. You just have to know--deep down, I know you're right. Perhaps the above metaphorical depiction of the goings-on in my head can give you a clearer picture of me, perhaps they just serve to distract you, they might even seem as if I'm defecnding myself, yet again, despite my admission of guilt. Nevertheless, I felt it was necessary, and thus hope you might glean some insight from it.
heyy ppl (: long time since i posted on this blog(:
